Parental Development

If you know me personally, or even have followed the blog for very long at all, you know that about a month ago, Justin and I had to say no to the file of the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen. The emotional baggage of that decision took me by surprise. Even though I know that this little girl already has a family who can’t wait to love her, I still think about her everyday and wonder what life would have been like with her in our family.



After speaking to our social worker, she helped me to validate these feelings saying that turning down a file evoked similar feelings to having a miscarriage. And while I am fortunate to have never experienced miscarriage, I was so comforted by the fact that she made that connection for me- allowing me to realize that it’s ok to be sad, hurt, and have a feeling of even being “at fault” for saying no.


Even though this little girl has touched my heart in a most special way, in the past week, Justin and I have received further medical education/news that completely confirms that our decision was a good one for our family. Not an easy or fun one, but a good one for our family.


In the immediate days of turning down this file, Justin and I asked to edit our special needs preference list. This is something I haven’t even been able to look at until today. The thought of “turning down” a child just ached my heart so much. Even though these conditions on this paper are currently not matched to a face, it’s almost as if my heart puts a face to the condition. Every time I cross a condition out, it makes me sad. But at the same time, Justin and I are trying to be absolutely as open-minded, yet realistic, as we can possibly be.


I pray (and know!) that God is not bound by this checklist and for that I am grateful! I am comforted in knowing that He will bring our daughter safely into our arms in His timing. I am trying to view this list as an opportunity not to pick and choose the conditions that I/We are open to, but as an opportunity to become as educated as possible to the special needs that our little girl may one day have. I am hoping and praying that this education helps us to know, without a doubt, when God shows us her face that she is our Ruby-Grace. So, we will continue to persevere through this list of adventures, prayerfully and carefully considering our checks and X’s.