Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Nighttime....

Is the worst for me.  It's normally the time of night that I lie here in bed for about an hour or so, constantly catching myself trying to solve the orphan crisis in my head, all while reminding myself of the starfish story... your efforts matter to one, blah, blah, blah, and trying to count my breathing to get myself to sleep.

I was talking with a friend this afternoon, trying to decide on whether I found my passion for adoption to be the biggest blessing of my life or the biggest curse.  I know that it is one of the most amazing things about this life: to be adopted into God's family and to open up your home and heart to a new little one.  But, at the same time, to be so passionate about something that you don't think you can ever conquer is incredibly draining.  It's a mental battle that I fight daily and that I'm praying nightly that God helps me find my place.  We're adopting.  We sponsor Caroline.  I've been on mission trips.  We send care packages to HJ.  We donate to charities.  But in my heart it is no. where. near. enough.  I KNOW that God is calling me/us to do more for the orphan.

I'm having a very rough night.  Week really.  I knew it was coming though.  You see, our precious HJ will be celebrating her birthday on Thursday and it is breaking me to pieces.  How can this child that we love SO much not be ours?  I don't understand.  I'm sad.  Heartbroken.  And even angry, if we're being honest here.

Ok.  I am angry.  I'm a lot angry.  Like tears spilling out and I'd stomp my feet if I was standing and wouldn't wake Justin up.

I know God has a plan, but at this moment, I'm not seeing it.  I can't even imagine it.  Is it wrong to pray for a sign?  A dream that allows me just a smidgen little glance into what He has planned?  A billboard that reads, "Yo Brooke- Honey, I got this.  Take a chill pill." perhaps?

And in the essence of keeping this blog real and properly journaling our adoption experience {read-all my nutty emotions}, I'm about to hit publish.

But not before I leave you with one of the most amazing articles I've ever read:
It is what sent me over the top tonight.  It's amazing!!!

I don't think you can read it and not be changed.

Click HERE.

Ok- I'm off to solve the orphan crisis for the next hour.  And to pray for my sign... only joking.  Ok, not joking! ;)

**I should also add the disclaimer that I'm only 25 and haven't been doing this thing called Life for too long.  I don't have it all figured out, nor do I think I should.  I'm pretty sure God knew He would have His work cut out for himself when He made me.  I am so thankful I don't have to earn His grace.

Ok- publish.

**Update- ya'll are going to think I'm nuts.  And that's ok.  Because sometimes, you just need a night like tonight.

I have been crying out to God-literally-for about the past hour and a half.  Sobbing.  Pouring out my broken heart to him.  Praying for myself, Justin, Perry, and precious HJ.  Praying for our Ruby-Grace and her foster family.  Praying for all the babies, children, and teenagers who wait.  Those who will always wait.  Praying that God give us guidance through our process.  And a peace that passes all understanding for all the big decisions we have and will need to make.  I prayed a version of these things over. and over. and over again.

And then, I prayed that God would take away all the guilt.

I prayed it really before I even comprehended what I was praying.  My heart was just pouring itself out to a loving God.  And in an instant, it was all clear.  And in that instant, I was calm, quiet, collected, and thankful.  I suddenly had that peace that I had been begging for.

You see, I felt guilty.  I realized right then and there that I was not doubting our decision over HJ's referral, but I have been carrying so much guilt over our decision to release her referral.  Carrying all this guilt around, really without even realizing that was what I was doing.  We do love her, and always will.  She will always be a part of our story, and we will always be a part of hers.  We will continue to pray for her every single day.  And send her care packages until her forever family can find her.  And that's a good thing.  We knew she was not our daughter when we released her referral, and that is ok.  I've said time and time again, I KNOW that God has a plan-it's just sometimes so difficult for me to live that simultaneously in my head and my heart....remember, I'm a work in progress.

When everything first came crashing down, I now remember saying to a sweet lady, "I just feel so guilty."  To which she replied, "If you follow God's lead, you have nothing to worry about.  Guilt is not of God."

I really haven't thought much about that statement until tonight, but tonight, I cling tightly to those words.  It is so true.  God would not lead Justin and me to such a difficult decision, only to burden us with guilt over it.  I refuse to let guilt turn me into an angry, immobile statue.  That's ridiculous.  Statues do nothing for the glory of God.  If I become immobile from guilt, the enemy has won.  I refuse to let the enemy win.  Especially when he's messing with something so close to my heart.

I'm thankful for HJ, and where as it still saddens me that she is not my daughter, I'm not going to feel guilty over it.  Just like God has a plan for my life, He has a plan for hers too.  And I for one know it has got to be an AMAZING plan.  After all, she is one AMAZING little girl!

2 kind thoughts:

Sharon Ankerich said...

Bless your sweet heart!!! I completely feel your pain and have gone through the guilt of returning a file even thinking Grayson was our son. God's ways are greater than ours and my devotion this morning was about sifting. I think you are doing amazingly well and knowing your strength comes from God is key. I love you sweet friend!!! Xo

Candace said...

beautifully honest post, Brooke!

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Our Adoption Timeline

  • June 19, 2011- We are officially "Paper Pregnant!" We have submitted our Waiting Child Application to Holt!
  • July 5, 2011- Submitted our formal Home Study Application to Villa Hope
  • September 6, 2011- Submitted all of our paperwork for our Home Study
  • October 8, 2011- Completed our First Home Visit
  • October 17, 2011- Completed our Second Home Visit
  • November 14, 2011- Home Study Approved
  • December 1, 2011- Filed our I600a
  • February 1, 2012- I600a Approval Letter
 
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