My dearest Ji Hwan,
I have searched for you my whole life. I have loved you, prayed for you, longed for you, ached for you. You have been a part of my heart since the beginning of time. There has never been a me that didn’t also have you.
And as I’m here in this moment in time, this frozen moment in the span of eternity, my heart bursts. In joy. In happiness. In love. And in sadness.
Because as you lie in bed, snuggled in your Omma’s arms for the last time, your world is about to break. You will leave all of your comfort and security to be placed in my arms. You have no idea the change that faces you tomorrow. Dear one, the magnitude of all you must lose to join in forever with me, will never be lost on me. Please know I will always be here.
I will always be here.
As I stroke your big brother’s sleeping head, tears flood my eyes and pour down my cheeks. I love him so much its indescribable. I love you the very same.
The very same.
You are my child and my heart breaks that yours will. It isn’t fair. I would give anything to bear all the weight for you.
I want to be so much for you. I want to be the Mommy that cheers for you when you tie your first shoe lace, the Mommy that holds you up as you are sick, the Mommy that serves you that extra ice cream cone, the Mommy that cleans up your spilled sippy cup, and the Mommy that makes shadow puppets on your walls. I want to be the Mommy you scream and yell at when you don’t know how else to process this world, and I want to be the Mommy whose arms you collapse into when you don’t know where else to turn. I want to be the Mommy that always has a camera ready to capture your milestones and achievements, and I want to be the Mommy that sings you Christmas lullabies as I’m rocking you to sleep in the middle of May. I want to be the Mommy that teaches you about our Saviour, Redeemer, and The One who always knits a tapestry of beauty from ashes.
I want to be your Mommy and I cross my heart to always give it my all.
My baby boy. We have so many miles to journey together. But that journey must begin with a baby step. I promise to look toward you for guidance, as you trust me to lead the way. We will do this together, side-by-side and step-by-step. You will never have to walk alone.
I love you forever and always, from the East to the West, to the Korea moon and back, and every tiny inch in between.
My love. My JiHwan.
Welcome to forever.