After speaking to our social worker, she helped me to validate these feelings saying that turning down a file evoked similar feelings to having a miscarriage. And while I am fortunate to have never experienced miscarriage, I was so comforted by the fact that she made that connection for me- allowing me to realize that it’s ok to be sad, hurt, and have a feeling of even being “at fault” for saying no.
Even though this little girl has touched my heart in a most special way, in the past week, Justin and I have received further medical education/news that completely confirms that our decision was a good one for our family. Not an easy or fun one, but a good one for our family.
In the immediate days of turning down this file, Justin and I asked to edit our special needs preference list. This is something I haven’t even been able to look at until today. The thought of “turning down” a child just ached my heart so much. Even though these conditions on this paper are currently not matched to a face, it’s almost as if my heart puts a face to the condition. Every time I cross a condition out, it makes me sad. But at the same time, Justin and I are trying to be absolutely as open-minded, yet realistic, as we can possibly be.
I pray (and know!) that God is not bound by this checklist and for that I am grateful! I am comforted in knowing that He will bring our daughter safely into our arms in His timing. I am trying to view this list as an opportunity not to pick and choose the conditions that I/We are open to, but as an opportunity to become as educated as possible to the special needs that our little girl may one day have. I am hoping and praying that this education helps us to know, without a doubt, when God shows us her face that she is our Ruby-Grace. So, we will continue to persevere through this list of adventures, prayerfully and carefully considering our checks and X’s.
